Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize