When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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