I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
