I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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