Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
