When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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