Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
