Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
