who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
