he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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