I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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