Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
