my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
