God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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