fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
