good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
