I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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