Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
