Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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