Pregnant stripper...not hot.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
