we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
MIDGETS
????
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
