My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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