I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
