nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
