The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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