woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize