everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
