Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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