Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
