It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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