What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
