from now on my penis is your penis
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
