You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Randomize
