I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's shark week go big or go home
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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