If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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