So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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