What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
