After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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