nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
