Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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