he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
