I puked a lego.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
