the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
