I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
