puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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