Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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