Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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