Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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