CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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