hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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