i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
