3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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