is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
