So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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