Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
