Tell her she can't have a vagina
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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