Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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