he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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