my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
