my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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